Tell me this – do you ever dream of having those perfect relationships? Do you feel like you live in a duality where your mind becomes a tennis court of for playing between both extreme ends of emotions – happiness and grief?
If you think your search is ever going to end, think again. You’ve been searching for a place of utter perfection ever since you were born and yet, you’re still searching. What if what you’re searching doesn’t exist? What if perfect balance isn’t possible? What if that imbalance is actually a necessity for making relationships last?
Dale Carnegie discovered the simple secret of building thriving connections in relationships over 9 decades ago – Make the other person feel the most important person on the planet. How simple does it look! So, if we know this truth, what are we lacking? The problem really isn’t about the person you relate with. The problem is within you.
You’ve all the power to make your relationships work until your mind brings in its ego. Ego, guilt and alternatively the desire to prove yourself are some of the most disastrous forces of human mind, yet most people never take time to cultivate their abilities to control it.
“If you focus on people’s core values – and what really makes them tick – you’ll often find that people are very similar. This realization can make it easier for you to connect with anyone you want.”
- Steven Handel, A Roadmap to Relationships
If you could remember a situation when you screwed up in a relationship, you might find that you could have saved it if you kept your extreme desire to prove yourself at bay!
We can do something simpler. We can train our minds to only speak specific things as a specific time. Because eventually, our words are what effects how people revert back to us. So, here is a list of conversation checklists you can use as scripts in your everyday life.
The conversation checklist is important because most relations are the result of confident, lovable conversations. The first step to improve your relationships is to improve your conversation skills.
1. Before you start a conversation, ensure you know name, backgrounds, interests of other person and also what other person hopes to gain from it.
2. Before you start talking, ensure the person has your attention.
3. While talking, maintain eye contact with that person.
4. While listening, maintain eye contact, take notes and patiently listen to that person.
5. If you aren’t interested in the conversation, say you need to take care of something and offer to call and talk later.
6. If you’re negotiating, focus on the benefit the person will receive if he gets himself included.
But, conversation checklists aren’t enough. You need a mind-set that positively evolves you in relationships. We don’t really believe what people speak but what we see. Show your affection. Here is a quick relationship checklist to stick by.
1. Start thinking in the terms of “we” instead of “me”
2. Work as a team. Let them think the idea is theirs.
3. If your spouse/partner stays back , like for example, taking care of kids, other social attachments, regularly express your appreciation and gratitude for the job he/she does.
4. Before you get into any romantic attachments, ensure that you both share similar values and beliefs on the subject you think are most important to you both.
5. If you’re already committed in a relationship, use a nickname for your partner, avoid criticizing and blaming.
6. Divide responsibilities as equally as possible.
7. Regularly spend good time together.
8. Make a date at least once a week where just two of you would be together to do something fun.
9. Have physical interactions.
10. Praise the things you partner does, especially the ones you’d like them to do regularly.
11. In conflicts, stick to the current issues, not the past.
12. Control yourself, not the partner.
13. If it gets too emotional or out of control, separate for a while and come together after you both cool down.
14. Never ever use shame or blame.
But sometimes, it seem quite impossible to make relationships work. When the momentum of your emotions is faster, you’ve to learn that ultimately, it is the bliss we’re searching for. By calling this state ‘bliss’, we mean a state where you’re going for a balance.
Most of the time, the reality is that you would readily give up or admit to a relationships if you could find the strength to control your mind. Your feelings about relationships are the personal assets you cultivate over your lifetime. Learn to find the right balance.
Make it a habit to use this checklist in you everyday relationships. As you become more and more habitual, you’ll find yourself discovering a balance.
Illustration by Krosen Field via Flickr